I have always been intrigued by astrology, but I never really dove deep into it from the perspective of trying to better understand myself. I just took the lighthearted messages from horoscopes with a grain of salt. During the course of exploration into my layers, traits of mine that I had all my life made more sense to me now. I learned that there are light and dark aspects to every zodiac sign, and through learning what these traits that are attributed to my sun sign of Scorpio are, I came to not only have a greater understanding of myself, but I also found compassion for myself too.

I quickly realized that poor behavior attributed to the negative aspects of a zodiac sign is no excuse for bad behavior, but instead it helped me understand why I had a proclivity for certain things that were so important to me that I just couldn’t shake. And through discovering all the aspects of my sign, I found that I could accept my full self.

Knowing that many of my shortcomings/quirks were wired into my DNA, helped me to forgive myself. I learned about the influence of my moon, my rising sign, as well as the position of all of the other planets in my birth chart. I found it both fascinating and enlightening. I had a deeper understanding of what makes me tick and why and through this knowledge I forgave and accepted myself.

OBTAINING INSIGHT

I also turned to astrology in order to gain more insight into the guy who both simultaneously made sense and also didn’t in my life; so I started to explore the traits of his sun sign too. I then began to dive into tarot in an effort to seek both answers and reassurance.

Unbeknownst to me at the time, his master manipulative technique had gotten me addicted to him and triggered extreme levels of anxiety and stress that were fast catching up to me. I thought I could take the knowledge I had acquired about myself and follow the same path to help him reconcile his own demons, so I set out to learn all that I could.

I started to watch several tarot readers on YouTube, hoping to resonate with various readings in an effort to decipher what was going on behind the scenes. I desperately wanted to make sense of the situationship that both confused and frustrated me for years, and yet I desperately clung to it.

I learned that each sun sign has a light, gray, and dark version of it. Most people fall into the gray, with some aspiring to be light, some content to stay in the gray, and some who are light. But for those people who are the dark version of their sun sign, they are predominantly the personification of the negative traits of their sun sign, stuck in a low vibration, and sadly, they should be left alone. They are truly toxic and unless and until they make the conscious decision and consistent effort to love themselves and be a better person, they don’t change and they continue to hurt others. 

Unfortunately for me, this guy was most definitely the dark version of his sun sign, but he had me fooled into believing that he wanted to change, literally telling me that he “wanted to do better and be better.” I believed in him (and in us) and I wanted to help him. I knew that in order for his growth to be his own, he needed to do the work. I saw so much good in him (some of it real, but most of it perverted by his manipulation) that I thought all he needed was the right tools and he could do it!

I thought that on the basis of everything I learned and healed in myself, I was the missing ingredient for him to embark on and complete his journey of healing. I convinced myself that this is why we were in each other’s lives. I would help guide him to his healing, he would put in the consistent effort and with my help, he’d accomplish what years of traditional therapy failed to do for him.

Following my spiritual approach he could finally find his way, heal and grow and then find his way to me. I made it clear to him on numerous occasions that I didn’t want to be with him now, I didn’t want to be the next girl he cheated on (he cheats on ALL of his girlfriends), but that I wanted to be with him after he reached the other side and he was healthy. I’d continue to work on myself too, and then we’d have our chance at something real for both of us.

But, I’m getting ahead of myself. A lot happened to bring me to this mindset. I’m sharing my story not only because it had a great impact on me completely breaking me, but I am sharing it as a cautionary tale. If I can help others identify and avoid this type of toxic person, the world can be a better place.