I trusted someone I thought I could trust. Based on “knowing” him for more than half my life, I unknowingly trusted a psychopath. It turns out, I never knew him at all. 

TRAITS OF A PSYCHOPATH

• Socially irresponsible behavior
• Disregarding or violating the rights of others
• Inability to distinguish between right and wrong
• Difficulty with showing true remorse or empathy
• Tendency to lie often; a pathological liar
• Manipulating and hurting others
• Recurring problems with the law
• General disregard towards safety and responsibility
• A tendency to take risks, reckless behavior, and being deceitful
• Sexual promiscuity
• Superficial charm
• Can get very angry at times
• Impulsive
• Lacks remorse
• Constant need for stimulation
• Parasitic lifestyle
• Poor behavior controls
• Superficial expression of emotion

_{Reference: https://www.healthline.com/health/psychopath; https://metro.co.uk/2017/08/29/what-makes-a-psychopath-the-signs-to-look-out-for-6885871/}

Aside from trouble with the law (that I know of), Evil Dark embodies EVERY attribute on this list! 

Psychopathy is a personality disorder, not a mental illness. Not all psychopaths are as they are portrayed in Hollywood. Narcissism is also a personality disorder. Unfortunately, a psychopath and a greater narcissist cannot be helped. They are too smart! If they go to the therapy, they just learn better ways to adapt and fool people so that they can continue to get away with using and hurting people.

HE PLAYED ME

I trusted him more than myself at times. I accepted his offers to help me. I believed that we truly cared for one another and that we had a deep friendship. I thought that we were honest with each other above all else.

I rationalized his cheating as temporary while he sorted out his issues. I believed him, and I believed in him. I felt for him, I wanted to help him. I saw his positive attributes as enough to counter his bad behavior, which was explained away by him working out his issues with a therapist. I put him first because I thought he needed it more. I thought his needs were the priority over mine because he was working out his issues.

I had no idea that someone like him even existed. I was completely naive and out of my depth. I cared about him and I trusted him, I bought his bullshit.

And I paid a HUGE price for believing in him. I betrayed myself. I endured being the other woman, something I never ever thought I would be! I bought every excuse and apology he gave not knowing that I was being played. I thought he was sincere. I thought that his desire for me was real and true, not just manipulation. I thought he valued me. I thought he valued our friendship, as he had drilled into me to believe.

When someone you care about and trust focuses his energy on you with deep desire and passion, it’s incredibly intoxicating and just about impossible to resist. He knew this and worked it to his advantage over and over and over again. Also playing up the “great friends” angle was just more manipulation that he utilized to gain my loyalty and trust.

He knew exactly what to do and say to work his way back into my bed. He is a master at the art of seduction and manipulation. He pays attention to details and he is insightful so it’s easy for him to seem sincere and tell you what you want to hear, string you along while getting exactly what he wants without any care for what you want or the damage he’s causing via selfish manipulation.

IT WAS ALL LIES

As it turns out, I was just another mark in a long line of casualties. I meant nothing more than a great lay to him. My feelings never mattered to him. As long as he could convince me to let him into my bed, that’s all that mattered to him. I meant nothing to him. Our friendship was a lie, our relationship was a lie, everything was a lie. 

And it cost me. It cost me my mental health and my well being. It cost me my social circle. And it came dangerously close to costing me my life more than once. 

It never did sit well with me. I was in a constant battle with myself. I was rationalizing his behavior over and over again. I tried so many times (ten times) to end things, only to allow him to talk me into “just one more time” that never ended up being one time. There was always another excuse, another promise that he would get it together, and yet, NOTHING EVER CHANGED.

It’s been four years since I moved back east, and he’s still the same. He’s still with his girlfriend, still playing the role of devoted boyfriend while carrying on his lies.

Seeing them together still sparks pain in me. Although I now view him as ugly, both inside and out, it still hurts to see him carrying on like he is devoted and true, seemingly giving her everything I wanted him to give me, but now knowing how little he thought of me. But then I remind myself of the truth; their relationship is built on lies and deceit as he is incapable of having a true, healthy relationship. And since he comes from such an unhealthy place, how he views me is a reflection of his limited capacity to recognize quality, not any deficiencies in me.

I CHOOSE ME

I am grateful that I finally summoned the inner strength to permanently walk away. To stop buying his bullshit, to call him out and cut ties. To finally put myself first, to focus on healing and growing myself so that I can be whole and ready for a healthy relationship.

It’s taken a lot to get me to where I am, and I know I will always be a work in progress, but I am proud of myself for finally seeing the truth and getting myself out of the most toxic experience of my life.