I have always been very self-aware, open to criticism from others and open to change. How is it then that I was persuaded to betray myself? How could I have convinced myself that Evil Dark had a good heart when all of the evidence was to the contrary? 

I had to look within. I had to really examine myself and face whatever I found. I had to get real with myself, and I did.

After losing my dad, I was inspired to go on a spiritual journey, something I had never done before. Not only did I find my spiritual connection, I deepened the connection to myself, but there still was a missing piece. How could I have done so much work on myself and yet I still had self-esteem issues?

My spiritual journey took place in 2018, but in the spring of 2019 is when I fell to my lowest low and felt suicidal. The clarity I gained from realizing that I was nothing more than a sex object to Evil Dark made me feel completely worthless.

Due to the way he treated me, I believed that my only worth was my body. Despite him telling me several times what an awesome person I was, the truth was he was still with his girlfriend (which made absolutely no sense!) and he showed no signs of any growth. Nothing. I believed him when he told me that he wanted to “be better and do better” and yet since our conversation about this back in the fall of 2016, NOT ONE THING HAD CHANGED.

The truth was, he had been telling me who he was all along! Not just through his actions but thru his words too! Yes, he literally told me who is his, but I was completely out of my depth. I had no idea that someone like him (a greater narcissist psychopath), even existed let alone how to deal with one. (Hint: RUN!!)

WHAT HE SAID

In addition to telling me how awesome I was, he repeatedly referred to us as “great friends.” He told me how few true friends really had his back, and I was one of them, I was “in the inner circle.”

Naturally I was touched, and I agreed with him! I mean after all, he was there for me when I needed him regarding my dad’s failing health and eventual passing, surely that was evidence of our “great friendship”, how much we meant to each other, how much he cared about me, right?

I later came to realize that even this act of kindness supporting me with my dad was just another manipulation. It was easy for him to be there for me in this capacity because it was in his wheelhouse. He works with seniors in the health industry, so it was natural for him to step into that role of support for me and leverage it as yet another opportunity to keep the sex going. 

E.D. accepted my ongoing support and offers to help him heal his issues as another way to keep me on the hook too. He took advantage of my big heart and giving nature, feeding me crumbs in return via gratitude and telling me how awesome I am, in addition to other kind gestures. He milked “always being honest with each other” not because he felt safe to be himself with me, but because what did he have to lose?

He had no intention of being more than a f*ck buddy with me, so what did it matter if he got real with me? He told me “I’m hopeless, I’ll never change” with regard to his toxic patterns and how did I react? By digging in and rooting for him even more! Letting him know that I wouldn’t give up on him, so he shouldn’t either. I believed in him, I saw the best in him.

I unknowingly handed the keys to him, and he gladly took them. What I viewed as being a good friend to him, he saw as an easy target. Just another way he could manipulate me. 

MORE WAYS E.D. LED ME ON

He led me on first by telling me that he wanted to date me when I moved back to NJ, then by continuously telling me that we’d “be together when he got his head together” giving me more false hope. This especially came in handy when he would beg for “just one more time” together, throwing out the hook when I would protest to seeing him, and then reeling me in with the promise of it being the last time, as if he was going to honor my wishes to end our clandestine affair. 

He completely lacked integrity and impulse control. He was absolutely relentless. He would literally beg me for sex (during any of the ten times I tried to break things off). One time he begged me for eight days straight! He knew I would eventually cave, so he never eased up on begging. He would invent reasons/take advantage of circumstances to come over to see me too – his electricity went out, he didn’t have hot water, etc. He just wouldn’t let me go. He fed on my energy, my support, and my sex. I was a source of fuel, nothing more.

What I interpreted to be sexual freedom, he saw as perversion. He commonly referred to himself as a “sexual deviant.” Naturally I would try to talk him out of it; little did I know that he saw me the same way, guilty by association to him. I have a healthy attitude about sex, not influenced by any judgments from religion or society, so I viewed our sex as fun and adventurous.

HIS LIMITED CAPACITY TO TRULY CARE DESTROYED ME

When it hit me that in fact he was disrespecting and degrading me that is what tore apart my self-worth. I was nothing more than a sexual plaything to him, someone he could act out all his deviant behavior on and then toss away when he was done. 

I would pour my heart out to him and although he acted like he cared in the moment, his actions let me know that my feelings meant absolutely nothing to him. He put me in the position of having to see him with someone else, and he expected me to be friendly to her on top of it! To put her feelings above my own and keep his secret, to maintain the façade in public.

My feelings did not matter to him at all. It was always all about him. He viewed me only in the way that it impacted him, he didn’t see me for me. This manifested in my low self-worth.

Realizing that not only did he not truly care about me as a dear friend, he did not care about me as a human being. I felt completely worthless. This guy whom I considered family, with whom I had shared my body, my heart, and my soul for years, thought nothing of me beyond giving him physical pleasure. I was decimated.

However, despite everything, I do realize that he cared about me in his own twisted, limited capacity. But, his supreme selfishness superseded all of his behavior. And his definition of caring for another person vastly differs from the rest of us.

IT’S HIS WORLD, WE ALL JUST LIVE IN IT

The truth is, Evil Dark doesn’t care about his girlfriend’s feelings either, cheating on her hundreds of times throughout their entire relationship. I am certain that I was not the only side chick throughout the years, and now that I’m gone, he just slid the next girl into my vacated slot.

His concern is solely for himself, for getting caught, but hurting her was secondary, as everyone’s feelings are. He would feel bad because the optics would look bad if she found out the truth. Plus, he does pity her, which is the foundation of why he’s with her in the first place.

Evil Dark actually stressed himself over the fear of being found out by her so much one time that he got a nose bleed, and yet he STILL remained unfaithful. He carries shame (but only so far as to serve his self-loathing) for what he does, but not guilt, evidenced by the fact that he keeps repeating the pattern. His number one priority is always to cover his ass and maintain his carefully crafted façade. 

Shame is when you feel badly about yourself, but you don’t feel badly about what you do to others. In other words, it’s all about him! Evil Dark lacks empathy, therefore he does not feel guilty for what he’s done. Instead he just keeps doing the same thing (in this case cheating) and lives with the shame. He utilizes the shame as yet another tactic to manipulate the Empath into feeling sorry for him aka more fuel.

Guilt is accountability to another person, it’s taking responsibility and owning what you’ve done. E.D. never takes responsibility for his actions, he just feels shame and moves on, only offering an apology as a means to an end so that he can continue to get what he wants.

E.D. also claims to be a sex addict, but that is just an excuse for cheating. Dr. Phil states that there is no such thing as an addiction to sex, and I agree. Sex addiction is a byproduct of a lack of integrity and impulse control. It’s an excuse to not only cheat, but also to not have to take responsibility for your actions. 

SELF-LOATHING

He is completely incapable of loving anyone. He admittedly loathes himself. He told me once that he chose his humanitarian profession doing good things for others in order to offset all of the bad that he does. Rather than stopping doing bad things, he thinks that he can counteract his vile acts with noble acts, so he keeps doing the shitty things he does while fooling others into thinking that he’s a good guy.

Evil Dark  also once told me that a lot of people despise him, and he knows that he has broken a lot of hearts, and that he needs to make up for his “past crimes against morality and humanity.” Side note:  it never once occurred to him that I was among the people he was hurting so he felt free to talk to me about his past.

And he readily admits that he is incredibly selfish. This is how I am certain that he is fully aware of what he is. He may or may not know what to call it, but he knows he will never change. He told me he was “hopeless” more than once, evidenced by years spent on and off in therapy with absolutely no signs of growth and no changes in his behavior.

All therapy has done is given him insight into how he should behave so that he can adapt those behaviors into his façade. He knows all the right things to say and do to get his way, regardless of the expense to others, and to look like a good guy. It’s all calculated so that he can hide who he really is from everyone because he knows that he’s not a good person.

SKILLED LIAR

Like all skilled liars, he believes his own lies. The sincerity feels real because it is real – just as far as it suits his needs. Everything he does follows a proven pattern that’s been perfected over the years. He knows precisely what to say and do to manipulate and seduce his victim. He listens intently so that he can remember small details to reference later so that you think he genuinely cares, when in reality he is just collecting data so that he can keep manipulating you.

There are many other aspects of his life that contributed to who he is, as well as other personality traits and behaviors that he has that also paint the picture, but I am just sticking with the traits that directly relate to my experience with him.

I used to think that he was a good person who just did bad things sometimes. He’s not all bad, he does have many good traits, or I wouldn’t have been drawn to him. It’s just that he utilizes all of his positive attributes as a means of manipulation, with no regard for the collateral damage.

Everything he says and does is designed to create a false sense of security and trust so that he can accomplish his self-serving agenda without you realizing that you are being manipulated and used until it’s too late.

If your feelings align with his self-interest, he will show concern to make sure to maintain his deception. But if your feelings don’t align, then he won’t think twice about ignoring them (placating you if necessary) to push his agenda. You getting hurt in the process means nothing to him, as long as it doesn’t interfere with him getting what he wants.

I put his feelings ahead of my own because I thought he needed it more (cue eye roll). I actually gave him credit for MY growth! Throughout the years I projected my growth on to him and credited him with inspiring me to be a better person. Completely unearned and unwarranted! I misinterpreted the ways I was deepening my connection with myself as a reflection of my connection with him. That because of who he was, I was able to grow (another eye roll).

WHY WAS I SUSCEPTIBLE TO HIM?

First of all, I have to cut myself some slack since I had no reference for understanding that someone like Evil Dark even exists. I was completely outmatched. I see the good in people, I am open and trusting. He once told me that “normal rules don’t apply” to him {sic}. When he said this to me, I had no idea what he meant.

Coming from my “normal” person perspective, I had no capacity for understanding what he truly is. I now understand that normal rules don’t apply to him because he is not “normal.” He is a toxic, abusive predator, and as such he operates on a whole different level. 

I was especially vulnerable to him because I have no family nearby and we were part of the same social circle; there was nowhere for me to go and I didn’t want to be alone, so I tolerated his poor behavior and endlessly extended the benefit of the doubt to him along with never ending patience. He capitalized on my circumstances as well as on my giving nature.

HIS TACTICS

I also came to realize that deep down I didn’t truly love or value myself, although I thought I did. This made me the perfect prey. It was easy for him to hook me. Throw some compliments and kind words my way, lust after me relentlessly, play up our friendship, help me out (both emotionally and physically), bank on our history, our compatibility, and our chemistry, and I was his.

He utilized his seduction tactics combined with breadcrumbs tossed my way to get me addicted to him. He gained my trust and seemed to respect me when I called him out for things by being careful not to repeat those same misdeeds, thereby fooling me into thinking he cared about me. He opened up to me, playing off my empathy, taking advantage of my loving heart and giving nature, he continuously led me on with false hope. Rinse and repeat.

And I fell for it! I wanted so much to see the good in him. To believe in him and by extension, to believe in us. Although I set some boundaries with him, I failed to consistently enforce them due to not valuing or fully loving myself. I put him ahead of me. I put him on a pedestal. I admired him, I trusted him, I loved him as my friend, he was family to me.

THE BETRAYAL RAN DEEP

He betrayed my trust on multiple levels. He betrayed what I thought was a true friendship, and worst of all, he got me to betray myself by trusting him and following his lead, allowing him to disrespect me, and accepting being his side chick.

Evil Dark broke me and never thought twice about it. His life didn’t change one bit. I was barely a blip in the long line of the women he’s hurt. We were entangled together for just shy of a decade and I had no impact on him whatsoever.

INTENSE HEALING

He turned out to be my greatest disappointment and biggest lesson as well as the catalyst for my deepest healing and greatest growth. But that outcome is attributed to who I am at my core, to my inner strength, not to him.

I am grateful that I woke up and claimed myself. I pulled myself out of an incredibly toxic situation and cut the toxicity out of my life. I own my actions and I understand why I betrayed myself. I forgave myself and for my sake so that I could release him, I also forgave him. It’s taken me a long time to even be able to write about this experience, but I feel compelled to put it out there as a cautionary tale to others. 

Hopefully by spotting the red flags early and seeing all the things that I did wrong and understanding why I did them, you can spare yourself the pain and the time necessary to heal from the trauma of dealing with a greater narcissist.