The term narcissist is thrown around quite a bit these days, sometimes it’s legitimate and sometimes it’s not. What I have learned is that there are varying degrees of narcissism. Yes, there are narcissistic traits in common with all narcissists, but there are also different levels of narcissism.
The truth is we all have a little bit of narcissism in us in that we are all looking out for number one, but that is healthy! Where it takes a turn is in the lack of empathy for others and the epitome of selfishness.
The underlying trait shared by all narcissists is the pursuit of self interest at the expense of others, while being shameless in doing so. In other words, his self interest ALWAYS comes first. We most often associate the word narcissist with either the lesser narcissist or the mid-range narcissist.
TYPES OF NARCISSISTS
The lesser narcissist is very aggressive; he has no insight into what he is. It’s his way or the highway with a huge sense of entitlement and an exaggerated sense of grandeur. The mid-range is not sure what he is, he is passive aggressive. He thinks he’s helpful and kind and most people do see him as good, but some can see through the façade. He may apologize for his wrong doings, but he won’t take responsibility, he will shift the blame and/or gaslight others.
Narcissists can be overt or covert, making it harder to detect. They are commonly drawn to empaths, possibly to compensate for what they lack, but mostly because they can get away with an abundance of bad behavior. The big hearted empath will continue to give him the benefit of the doubt and forgive him, at the cost of her own self-esteem, making her even more controllable.
The greater narcissist thankfully is the least common of the three types, but unfortunately, he is by far the most sinister. He knows exactly what he is, and he has no reason to change. He may say he wants to change, but that’s just more of his manipulation.
Everything he does is calculated, it’s impossible to out manipulate him, he’s always several steps ahead. He has multiple fuel sources so you can’t guarantee an outcome from him because if you cut off one fuel source, he’ll just revert to another and/or find more. He gives false apologies and repeats his behavior with no remorse. When it comes to romantic partners, his MO is to seduce, devalue, disengage, and discard. He is quite charming and a master in the art of seduction, a major player, a practiced f*ckboy.
You can’t cure narcissism because it’s so ingrained, it’s a defense mechanism. He operates through instinct. Putting a greater narcissist in therapy actually makes him more dangerous, because he’ll just learn more ways to modify his behavior in order to better manipulate others. He is the master at telling you what you want to hear, lying by omission as well as overtly lying, and “sincerely” apologizing to get back into your good graces. He’s not held back for long (or at all) by feelings of guilt or remorse because other people’s feelings don’t matter. He only does “good” acts because it benefits him and/or it offsets the bad that he does.
The greater narcissist cannot love. The truth is that deep down he hates himself so he is incapable of loving others. He thinks can, he mimics it, but he truly lacks the capacity for it. He can be infatuated, but he is incapable of being in love which is why ultimately he can’t maintain a committed relationship long term. He leaves a trail of trampled hearts behind him. He completely lacks integrity and impulse control which feeds nicely into his need to fulfill his own needs above all else. A chronic cheater and a pathological liar, traits that serve him nicely in achieving his sole goal of self-fulfillment.
Unfortunately for me, the description of the greater narcissist describes my experience with a guy whom I’ve known for 36 years and with whom I was intimately involved for 8.5 years to a tee. Correction: I didn’t know him for 36 years, I met him 36 years ago, and, as it turns out, I didn’t know him at all.
